


Fear

by Disoryented



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:14:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22506886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Disoryented/pseuds/Disoryented
Summary: "What was your first time like?"Johnny hums as he rolls up his sleeves. "Messy," he starts, a small smile curling on his lips.He looks at Yuta, before continuing, "But satisfying."Side MarkHyuck and JaeYong, but the focus is on Johnny and Yuta.Sicheng, Renjun and Taeil make small appearances.
Relationships: Nakamoto Yuta/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 18
Kudos: 83





	Fear

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! It is I! THE PLEB! 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING! I hope I tagged them correctly ;-;
> 
> I am so proud of this you have no idea. I wrote so much. "Giddy"  
> There are small references to other members of NCT in the fic. See if you can find them!  
> I don't know why I am saying that, ANYWAY! 
> 
> o((*^▽^*))o ENJOY!!

_No beauty. Only sate. A thirst to quench. Fear to enlist in those who seek to oppose him. He does not want your love. He wants you to fear him.  
  
Anger. Realization. Fear. Pain.  
  
There are different orders, but that's typically how it goes and that's the best way it can go.  
  
Anger. Realization. Fear. Pain. Snap. Muffled screams. Irregular panting. That's also how it goes. It really depends on the day.  
  
Anger. Realization. Fear. Pain. Snap. Muffled screams. Seizures. That's also how it goes.  
  
Struggling. Fear. Anger. Fear. Crunch. Sorrow. Tears. That's also a way it goes.  
  
The possibilities are endless, but it's fear. Fear that pulls it together, makes it whole. It’s fear that makes you feel alive._

  
  
\-----

  
_He's frightened, but he finds it beautiful.  
  
Beautiful. Yes. Magnificent. That's what he'd say. A twist of nature, come together by the forces of the universe. Dark. Deadly. Fearsome. One of a kind. Beautifully frightening.  
  
Hungers, craves to see more. To bask. To feel, to touch, to love.  
  
Yes, brilliant._

  
  
\-----  
  


  
"What was your first time like?"  
  
Yuta cocks his head and his feet sway back in forth in the air, hands under his chin as he looks up from where he is laid on the king sized bed.  
  
Johnny hums as he rolls up his sleeves. He looks immaculate, Yuta thinks. Like always.  
  
"Messy," he starts, a small smile curling on his lips. He looks at Yuta, before continuing, "But satisfying."  
  
Yuta smiles back. "Tell me about it?"

  
\-----

  
"Have you decided?"  
  
"Will you ever decide?"  
  
"You're such a disappointment. I don't know why I try."  
  
A thud.  
  
Yuta places his chin in his hand and stares out the window. The air is chilly, brown leaves being carried by the mid autumn wind to a destination they will see for mere days.  
  
The world, beautiful, but so quick to judge. He's the disobedient one. The one that never listens, never understands, the one that will never be responsible.  
  
As if he isn't the one to have cared the most, to have worried the most. Pushing his needs and happiness to the side, until it had become unbearable and his soul had been diminished to but a spark of its former light.  
  
Not anymore. No longer. He refused. Still, numb, furious. Furious at everything and nothing at the same time. Craving something, he had yet to find.  
  
His eyes trailed down the piece in front of him. The pencil in his nimble digits. The lifeless tree, half alive half a dream. Much like his-  
His purpose. His reason.  
  
He twirled the pencil and placed it down as he heard the front door slam. Closed his sketch book and rose to his feet, letting out a content hum when he stretched.  
  
He eyed the brown suitcase snug under his bed, a sorrowful look washing over his features as he scanned the room with his tired eyes. Memories, etched into the worn down walls. Tragic really, but he supposes one could make a sad story long after he'd passed.  
If he was lucky.

  
  
\-----

  
  
A slam. A thud. The crash and clatter of glass. Pleading. Sobbing. Strikes. More begging, more pleading. Another thud.

He supposes help would have come a long time ago if they weren't ignorant. If they didn't believe everything they saw. The dark murk underneath the porcelain. He commends the craft, has to. He had some of his own. Another thud. Wailing. Scrambling. Shouting, muffled to the outside world.  
  
"Please, he hasn't done anything! He's such a good boy!"  
  
Johnny laughs bitterly from where he is seated on his bed. He leans forward onto his knees and ponders, hand playing with his chin and bottom lip. "Good boy," he mumbles and a small smile appeared on his lips. I suppose I have been a good boy he thinks. Indeed. How funny. How _cruel_.  
  
"I swear. I'll do anything! Please don't touch him!"  
  
"I've had enough of you protecting him! He thinks he's so perfect!"  
  
Ah yes jealousy. Of course. That hadn't slipped his mind. Amusing and infuriating.  
  
Truly, I've had enough.  
  
His face hardens as he listens to the thumps that grow louder, eyes trailing the sound through the walls of his bedroom. He watches the door swing open and clap against the wall, revealing his father, furious, but when was he ever not? And his mother, face tear stained as she stumbled behind. Foolish woman. Selfish decisions only harm that which you think you're protecting.  
  
There is a hand on his collar and he's being yanked up. "You're a burden," Is shot in his face, along with spit and the stench of alcohol. This too is familiar.  
  
A fist is raised.

This is not.  
  
Truly, I've had enough.  
  
Johnny watches the fist inch closer and grasps it in his hand, Looks at it and then at his father as he straightens up to his full length. He uses his sheer strength to lower his father’s fist. His mothers gasp not going unnoticed.  
  
He smiles, ever so briefly, before in one swift movement his fist connects to his father’s chin.  
  
That's the first crack and it's satisfying. Fulfilling.  
  
He watches his father stumble back and hold his jaw in disbelieve.  
  
"See what you've done!" he roars.  
  
"Johnny, please. Don't make it any harder than it is. Listen to me, listen to your father."  
  
His mother pleads as he walks over to his desk. His fingers trail over the wood surface, stop, reach beside it and pull out his bat. It's new and shimmers lightly in the moonlight. He'll make sure to thank Jaehyun.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
A smack. Another crunch. Splinters. Blood. A thud.  
  
"Johnny!"  
  
He looks at his mother, broken bat in hand. His face unreadable, he presumes.  
  
She shakes, breath hitching, eyes growing as she looks at him, her son, her kin.  
  
He smiles and she darts out of the room in frenzy.  
  
Oh foolish woman. Where will you run?  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
"What do you want for dinner?"  
  
"The blood of my enemies," Yuta says as he stares into the distance.  
  
"Cute," Johnny says, "but seriously. What do you want for dinner?"

  
  
\-----

  
  
"Why _did_ you travel so much?"  
  
Yuta hums and looks up from his canvas, his eyes trail over the man and flick back up to his face.  
  
"Should I not have asked?" the Chinese man peeps then. He fidgets with his hands where he is sat on the wooden stool, artificial flowers of every color and shape surrounding him. Yuta thinks it makes him look like the prince in a fairy tale. That is one of the reasons Yuta is painting him. One of them.  
  
Yuta smiles, "No. It's quite alright." He strokes down on his canvas, adds the finishing touches to his face, to his neutral eyes, eyes that seem to view the world with a curiosity, but also with an understanding. That's the other reason Yuta has chosen to paint him. 

"I'm looking for something."  
  
"Looking for something?"  
  
"Yes," he cleans his brush and opens a tube of titanium white.  
  
"What are you looking for?"  
  
"A home." He looks up then and the man blinks, before a smile appears on his face.  
  
"You're quite different from anyone I've ever met."  
  
"I've been told." Yuta says, starting at the traditional white Chinese robes.  
  
"It's not a bad thing."  
  
Yuta stills, looks up.  
  
"Sorry, by the way you replied I could tell that the people who told you this. Meant it in a different way."  
  
"They did."  
  
"Well they must have been very unlucky when they were born.  
Being blind to the beauty you hold in your soul." he looks down then, red dusting his cheeks as he smiles and continues. "I hope you find your place of belonging."  
  
Yuta smiled then. "Thank you Sicheng."

  
  
\-----

  
  
Yuta moans lightly as Johnny tugs at his hair.  
  
"Such a bitch."  
  
"Only for you baby."

  
  
\-----  
  


  
"You like her?"  
  
Johnny's eyes trail to his best friend. "No. Not with a personality like that."  
  
Jaehyun hums, watching the woman in question. "I won't argue with that, you've always been better at reading people."  
  
A small smile curls on Johnny's lips. "Thanks."  
  
"You're welcome. Still need help with the house renovations?"  
  
"You know I do."  
  
"I'll say. It's been years now. I'm happy you finally get to brighten it up."  
  
Johnny chuckles, takes a sip from his coffee and his eyes trail back to the woman, before he says. "It's about time for a slight change."  
  
"Johnny. _The_ Johnny Suh? Change? I can't believe my ears."  
  
Johnny laughs at that. "What's so outrageous about that?"  
  
"Dude you've got to get out more. Come on. I've always wanted to have some more fun with you."  
  
Johnny sighs.  
  
"You're getting old man."  
  
"I'm twenty-six Jaehyun."  
  
"Old." Jaehyun says his eyebrows rising comically.  
  
Johnny rolls his eyes. "Why did I decide to come out again?"

  
"Because you love me. Come on man, just one night?"  
  
Johnny sighs again. "Fine."

  
"Yes!" Jaehyun all but bellows. "Game night with all the boys! I never thought I'd see the day." He fake sobs.  
  
"Continue like this and it'll be the last."  
  
Jaehyun runs his fingers over his lips, imitating a zipper, dimpled smile as he looks at his friend. Then his eyes dart to where a lady is yelling at the staff and he winches. It's the same one from before. "Yeah, you're right. Not with a personality like that."  
  
Johnny's eyes trail to her again and he watches how she gestures in fury at what he believes to be the wrong coffee order.  
  
"Hate to be the next person she'd run into. You'd have to be so unlucky to meet her," Jaehyun continues.  
  
Johnny smiles, taking another sip from his coffee.  
  
"Unlucky indeed."  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
"What's the first thing you thought when you met me?"  
  
"I liked your piercings." Johnny says without missing a beat, continuing to unpack the groceries.  
  
"That was a fast reply."  
  
"You're on my mind more than you think."

  
  
\-----

  
  
"Any new interests these days?"

Mark asks as his fingers strum over the strings of his guitar. It always serves to calm his sometimes disoriented mind.  
  
"Photography", he answers from where he is laid on Mark's coach.  
  
"And what brought that up?" Mark shifts on his pouf, starts a new cord.  
  
Yuta hums. "I wanted to collect some of my memories."  
  
"Not all of them?"  
  
"Not all memories are worth collecting, plus some stay even if you don't want them to."  
  
Mark hums. "That's true."  
  
"Anything new for you?"

  
"Not really. Same old, same old."  
  
"Don't you get bored?" Yuta questions.  
  
"No, Donghyuck is all the entertainment I need."  
  
"Ah, young love."  
  
"Yuta, I'm twenty-two."  
  
A pause.  
  
"Young love." Yuta repeats and Mark snorts.  
  
He likes this. Never imagined that the boy he met on the side walk a few years back would become his best friend. Mark was smaller then, slimmer. In most ways he hadn't changed. He still wore the same type of glasses and practically brought his guitar everywhere. Playing anything he liked. Just like that day on the side walk.  
  
He listened to Mark hum one of the many songs he loved and closed his eyes. Let's the strums spark inspiration, flow.  
  
"Mark."  
  
A hum of acknowledgment.  
  
"Let's take a picture."

  
  
\-----  
  


  
"Sometimes I feel like you're obsessed with me."  
  
Yuta stops in the middle of a stroke, cherry blossoms splayed over his canvas in an array of pink. He continues before he speaks.  
  
"What makes you say that?"  
  
" _Are_ you obsessed with me?" Johnny asks then.  
  
Yuta laughs lightly. "No."  
  
"But you'd be sad if I left you?"  
  
"If it is your decision to end what we have, who am I to stop you."  
  
"But you would not be sad?"  
  
Yuta stops then, places down his brush and turns to where Johnny is sat on the window sill. One of his long legs is perched up and the last of the daylight streams in around his head. His face is solemn and Yuta thinks he looks like an angel.  
  
"Of course I'd be sad love. I'd be devastated, but I refuse to stay somewhere I know I am not wanted."  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
"Am I not enough? Everything was going fine. I don't understand where this is coming from."  
  
Taeyong stifles a sob, tears already falling from his big eyes. He makes to wipe them on the sleeves of his sweater.  
  
"It's not that Yongie." Johnny pulls the smaller man in for a hug, wipes his tears. "You are enough. Never let anyone tell you, you aren't."  
  
"Then why," he cries, burying his face in Johnny's chest and Johnny doesn't like feeling weak, doesn't like seeing someone he cares for hurt.  
  
"I'm not good for you."  
  
Taeyong looks up with big doe eyes, confused, uncertain, sorrowful and most of all, unknowing.  
  
Johnny will remember him. Remember his giggles, his moans, his cries, his heat, but he knows Taeyong should not end up with him.  
  
Sweet lovable Taeyong, that helps the elderly and children. That sculpts vases and pots, that paints over his apartment walls and clothing, that cares for his small plants and cute puppies. Taeyong that lives to give to other people deserves someone else.  
  
So when Taeyong returns into his life by Jaehyun's side, Johnny feels no shred of hatred or jealousy. Only fondness when he watches his best friend shower Taeyong in the love he deserves.  
  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
"You're shots are always so..," Yuta trails off as he holds the candid pictures in his hands.  
  
"So?"  
  
"Amazing."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"You make me want to pick up Photography."  
  
"Then do it. It's your life."  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
Yuta maneuvers through the dancing people with ease, fiddles with one of the bobby pins holding his silver hair up. For someone who hardly ever visits the club, he was very good at getting around. The joys of being lean.  
  
"There they are!" Taeyong shouts over the thumping music. Yuta doesn't see who he's talking about, but it doesn't matter, because Taeyong grabs his hand and guides him there anyway.  
  
They make it to the bar and he finally gets to meet Taeyong's friends. Well... this one is the boyfriend, Yuta thinks as Taeyong pecks the handsome man on his lips.  
  
"Jaehyun," is what he whisper shouts in Yuta's ear, before giving him a dimpled smile. Ooh I see why Taeyong swoons over him.  
  
He watches Jaehyun turn around. Tap someone else on the shoulder with the hand that isn't holding his drink and then gesture to the bartender to (most likely) get him and Taeyong a drink.  
  
Yuta watches the man Jaehyun had tapped earlier stand up from where he was leaning against the bar. He runs a hand through his hair to get it out of his face and looks over.  
  
Yuta’s breath hitches a moment when he gives him a once over. Eyes coming back up to lock with Yuta’s, but face not revealing anything.  
  
Yuta raises his hand then, slightly over Jaehyun's shoulder, who has Taeyong pressed to him already.  
  
The man grabs his hand in a vice grip. His is much larger and warm over his and Yuta thinks that'll be it, but then he pulls at it. Yuta blinks in surprise as he guides him around Jaehyun and past the clutter of dancing bodies in front of them. He ends up right in front of him and Yuta could tell he was tall, but standing in front of him like this was... Intimidating.  
  
The man bends forward, their hands still locked together and he doesn't say anything, but Yuta speaks never the less.  
  
"Yuta," he says into his ear and he can smell his aftershave. Pleasant, strong, just like the line of his neck that runs down to his collarbone.  
  
The man tilts his head lightly and his hair brushes against Yuta's temple. He feels his breath hot on his ear when he speaks.  
  
"Johnny."  
  
And in that moment he knew he wanted him.  
  
Taeyong smiled coyly when Yuta told him this, their bodies presses together and grinding to the music. He was sweaty and a bit intoxicated, but Taeyong wasn't far off. His friend grinds against him in earnest, spurring him on to dance to their hearts content.  
  
Jaehyun and Johnny where still by the bar and Yuta was aware that Johnny was watching him. His gaze was heavy, rough and Yuta wanted nothing more but to figure out if that was the only thing that was rough.  
  
By the time the others joined them, they were thoroughly buzzed. Taeyong running his hands over his own body and smiling when Jaehyun grabbed him from behind, pulling them flush together.  
  
Not a moment later and Yuta was being turned around, Johnny's hands grasping his hips and pulling him against him in demand.  
Yuta willingly obliged and loved how Johnny's fingers tightened around his hips when he whined side to side. He grasped Johnny's dress shirt to pull him close and smiled.  
  
They moved like that for a bit, Yuta watching the tall man as they danced. It was like they were observing each other, reading each other. It was strange. Yuta found him fascinating. Those dark, hooded eyes, that small smile on his plump lips, the curve of his strong jaw.  
  
Scary,  
Sexy.  
I want it.  
  
And with that he wrapped his arms around Johnny's shoulder and pushed himself up to kiss him, Johnny meeting him halfway as if he was waiting and that made it even better, even hotter.  
  
Sparks went off up Yuta's spine when they kissed and he immediately moaned out, earning him a chuckle from Johnny that reverberated against his lips.  
  
He pulled away just to whisper shout in Johnny's ear.  
  
"Oh fuck yes, take me."

  
  
\-----

  
  
Yuta sighs in satisfaction as the wind blows through his hair.  
He loved going to the pier, loved watching the water and the open sky, the sun setting on the horizon. He had painted and drawn it countless of times, but nothing compared to the real thing.  
  
Arms wrapped around him from behind and Johnny placed his chin on his shoulder, planted a kiss to his neck and Yuta giggled.  
  
"Ready to go?"  
  
"Nhmmm, just a little more."  
  
"Is the sunset that important?"  
  
Yuta closed his eyes and placed his hands over Johnny's.  
  
"No," He breaths out. "It's important, because I'm here with you."  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
Intriguing.  
  
That's what Johnny thinks of Yuta.  
  
The silver haired man yanking at his clothes the moment the door fell shut, face buried in Johnny's neck to lick up his neck. He feels the cool staff of Yuta's tongue piercing run over his skin and it sends a shock of arousal up his back.  
  
"How many piercings do you have?" he questions low and husky. He watches Yuta pull the last pin from his hair and a second later he pulls back, undoes his hair thigh and his locks fall down around his face. His dick twitches at the sight.  
  
"How about you find out?" Yuta smiles, biting his lip.  
  
Yeah, intriguing.  
  
Twelve.  
  
"Five." He whispers in Yuta's left ear as he runs his tongue over them.  
  
"Eight," He whispers again when he gives the other ear the same attention. Relishing how Yuta shudders under him.  
  
"Nine," he whispers before he sucks Yuta's tongue into his mouth, runs his own over the staff.  
  
"Eleven," he lets out breathy as he twists Yuta's pink nipples in delight. Yuta moans out and nods lightly and when he kisses down his stomach, sucks hickies into the soft skin and he smiles.   
  
"Twelve."  
  
Yuta is fit, lean. Skin tight, but soft. He runs his digits over his prominent ribs and loves the way Yuta trails after his touch, slightly raises off the bed every time he pulls away.  
  
Loves the sounds Yuta makes when he brushes his fingers against his prostate continuously. Loves how Yuta bites his lip at the sight of his cock, smiling as Johnny rolled on the condom. Loves how he spreads his legs, holds himself open and says:  
  
"Come on, fuck me."  
  
And Johnny loves how Yuta's back arches when he enters him, how his head falls back and he moans a "Fuck!" , before wrapping his legs around him and pulling him deeper.  
  
Johnny finds himself delighted with the sight of the man shifting up in time with his rough thrusts and he can't help run a hand along his neck, thumb pushing at the corner of Yuta's mouth.  
  
The moaning man licks it in immediately, sucks on the digit and smiles up at him, eyes twinkling even in the dark room.  
  
Johnny feels something shoot up his spine then. Hot as it spreads in his chest. Something that isn't what he usually feels with his one night stands, something that isn't just lust.  
  
It's his desire. His desire to take. To claim. To _ruin_. A wicked smile blooms on his face and he sees Yuta's eyes flicker in fear, before he wraps his hand around his neck, hisses when instead of getting startled, Yuta cries out and his eyes role to the back of his head.  
  
It's out of the norm for him.  
For him to feel like this, to actually want someone.  
It's unusual and yet he finds himself watching Yuta sleep as the Saturday morning sun seeps in through the curtains. His face smudged in the pillow he holds close, hair falling into his face as he lays there completely naked.  
  
He reaches forward to push it behind his ear and scan the details of his face again. His nose, his lips, and the way his lashes rest on his cheeks.  
  
It's unusual and yet when Yuta stirs and opens his eyes he doesn't look away. He watches him yawn and sit up, stretch his lean body and mutter that he should probably go.  
  
Johnny watches the curve of his spine from his place on the bed, the way he pops his shoulders and looks back at him through his long bangs. "Thank you for last night."  
  
It was unusual and yet he found himself sitting put next to Yuta and pulling him into a kiss. Yuta let out a small sound before his hands wrapped around Johnny's wrists and he moaned out.  
  
"Stay for breakfast," he says when he finally pulls away and something in his chest blooms when Yuta smiles brilliantly. A smile he had yet to see and he would see from then on.

  
  
"My treat then."

  
\-----  
  


  
"What did they want?"

  
  
"Just standard protocol," Johnny says as he looks out the window, one finger holding the curtain slightly to the side.  
  
Yuta watches the red and blue lights bounce of the walls from where he is sat on the couch.  
  
"Aren't you frightened?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I'd hate to see you... you..." Yuta stutters wrapping his arms around himself and Johnny is at his side in a second. Pulls him into his arms and rocks him gently. "J-John-," he sniffles.  
  
"It's okay baby. It's alright. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."  
  
Yuta nods, wraps his arms around Johnny and buries his face in the crook of his neck so he doesn't have to see the lights as they fade into the distance.

  
  
\-----

  
  
Yuta pulled the scarf around his neck closer, the thin fabric hardly good enough to keep him warm. His fingers shook as he pulled stroke after stroke over his sketchbook paper.  
  
The fire formed beautifully and he imagined that he was in this make shift universe, by the fireplace, with a family that loved him, instead of against a cold brick wall in a second rate subway station.  
  
A cold gust of wind traveled down the tunnel and he promptly let go of his sketchbook in favor of wrapping his stinging hands in his coat. The small book fell on the tiles with a clap and he watched the wind whir through the pages of his work.  
  
"Wow."  
  
The sudden voice startled him and he looked up to see a young boy. Yuta hadn't even noticed him approach.  
  
He bent over to grab his sketchbook and turned a few pages.  
  
"These are really good." he said then, looking up.  
  
"Thank you." Yuta mumbled, though it came out more as teeth clattering.  
  
A look of worry washed over the boys face. "Are you alright?"  
  
Yuta scoffed and looked up. "Do I look alright?"  
  
The boy frowned, but it seemed more out of sympathy then annoyance. He looked around a bit for a moment as if he was looking for someone, or deciding something. Then he sighed and closed the sketchbook.  
  
"Come with me."  
  
Yuta looks up at him a moment. "Why?"  
  
"Because I want to help you."

  
  
\-----

  
  
"What are you doing with that?"  
  
"Recreating art!" Yuta exclaims as he pulls the Chinese dragon over his head. "Observe."  
  
"Thum!" He starts, imitating the old Chinese drums. "Thum, thum, thum, THUM!" he continues jumping and gesturing wildly with his arms, the small bells on the dragon jingling. "I am fire! I am _FEAR_!"  
  
"Pffft, ahahahahahahaha."  
  
Yuta stops dead in his tracks and pulls the dragon off his head slowly.  
  
"I am fire~, I am fear!" Johnny imitates, wiping a tear from his eye, as he continues to laugh.  
  
"Yuta? What's wro-," he's cut of when Yuta all but tackles him to the ground and kisses him full on the lips.  
  
Johnny's eyebrows furrow in confusion, but Yuta sits up and smiles, jumps on Johnny's stomach slightly.  
  
"You laughed! You laughed!" he lets out cheery, tears catching in his eyes as the Dragons bells jingle with his movement.  
  
"You've never laughed like that for me before!"

  
  
\-----

  
  
"It's been a while hasn't it?" The doctor starts and pats him on the back.  
  
"It has. Thank you doctor."  
  
"This is our last session. How do you feel?"  
  
Johnny looks down, a small frown on his lips.  
  
"Sad that I won't get to see you anymore, but... happy I'm better?"  
  
The doctor smiles, "That was the goal. Don't be too sad. These things take time and I'm positive you'll get over it. Your parents would have wanted the best for you, but even if they are gone, they still live in your heart."  
  
Johnny smiles, "Thank you, I'll keep that in mind."  
  
"Good, now let me get your discharge papers and you'll be good to start school again." Johnny nods as they get up and make to leave the room.  
  
His face falls when the door closes and he looks down at the picture of him and his parents. One of the last.  
  
"I'll keep that in mind yeah," he mumbles with a scowl.

  
  
\-----

  
  
"Like this?"  
  
"Perfect." Johnny smiles as he watches Yuta work from over the latter’s shoulder, hands snug on his hips.  
  
"It's not as hard once you get used to it." He starts up the chainsaw and it roars lightly off the basement walls.  
  
"Some people would argue that, that isn't the part you're supposed to struggle with."  
  
Yuta hums, "Fair point." He starts lowering the chainsaw. "Tell me if I mess up okay? I want to get it right this time."  
  
"Of course darling."

  
  
\-----  
  


  
"I'm fine. You know I'm fine."  
  
There is a sigh from the other side of the line. "I know, I know. I just worry."  
  
"It's been years. I can take care of myself now and plus aren't you supposed to be focused on that guy you met. Was it ... Jeno?"  
  
"Hey, hey! Don't change the subject Yuta!"  
  
Yuta smiles,  
  
"How is Johnny anyway. It's been awhile since I saw you guys last."  
  
"He's good. A little caught up with work. Some shipments didn't arrive on time and this and that."  
  
"Hmm. Tell him hi for me? And tell him not to overwork. The same goes for you by the way!"  
  
This time Yuta laughs out. "Okay, okay. I will."  
  
"Promise."  
  
"Alright. I'll keep in touch. Goodbye Yuta."  
  
"Bye Renjun."

  
  
\-----

  
  
Johnny watches how the fireworks pop and burst in the reflection of Yuta's eyes, a large smile gracing his beautiful features as he counts down with the few people on the square.  
  
No matter how many times they do this. He's always fascinated and always filled with warmth.  
  
"Two! One! Happy new year!!" The crowd cheers in unison, but Johnny doesn't join them. He slings an arm around Yuta and pulls him flush against him.  
  
Yuta looks up at him, smiles even wider and it takes his breath away.  
  
"Happy new year Johnny."  
  
Johnny watches him for a moment. Then he lowers his head, locking their lips together in a deep kiss.  
  
After all these years, Yuta still moans lightly every time Johnny kisses him like this, tilts his head back and tightens the grip on Johnny's chest, sighing.  
  
It's long, deep and renders all others present unimportant to their world. Johnny kisses Yuta breathless, kisses him like he'll disappear.  
  
When Johnny finally pulls away, he places his head against Yuta's and whispers.  
  
"I love you."  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
  
Johnny pulled at the leather strap to make sure it was secure. Letting it go when he deemed it perfect. He turned around to move some of his tools out of the way when the muffling sound started.  
  
He glanced over his shoulder and sure enough the man strapped to the table stared at him, eyes disoriented as he started to pull at his restrains.  
  
 _Confusion_.  
  
He tried to form a sentence from behind his sealed mouth as Johnny continued to sort his items.  
  
The muffling continues and Johnny pays it no mind, until the man asks something.  
  
("What the fuck is wrong with you.")  
  
 _Anger_.  
  
"Hmm, still not sure." Johnny finally says.  
  
The man stills and he's looking at him in disbelieve when Johnny turns around and says   
  
"Yes. I can understand you."  
  
("Let me go.")  
  
Johnny raises an eyebrow in silence as he leans against the table.  
  
 _Realization_.  
  
("You won't get away with this.")  
  
("You're sick.")  
  
 _Anger._  
  
Johnny giggles.  
  
"Oh that I know." He laughs bitterly.  
  
The man stills again, looks at Johnny in horror now and Johnny can't help the way his lips curl up and his eyes twinkle. Yes.  
  
 _Fear_.  
  
His face falls and he walks forward, hand wrapping around the wooden handle of the large mallet on the floor. He lifts it easily, lets it rest in the palm of his other hand.  
  
("What's that for??")  
  
Johnny looks up, cocks his head as he turns the mallet in his hands.  
He laughs when the man starts struggling again. Metal table shaking lightly as he tries to shift.  
  
("Please, No, Please Don't I-"), he begs, chest starting to rise and fall rapidly, but they fall on deaf ears.  
  
Johnny steps back, the mallet swinging down as he tightens his grip on the handle. It swings back up a moment later, swift, fluid through the air before it collides with the man's shin at high speed.  
  
The load crack and bang against the table echo against the walls of the basement alongside muffled screaming.  
  
 _Pain_.  
  
("Please- Stop, I'll do anything. I'm sorry.") Tears are streaming down his victim's face. Blood is dripping of the table.  
  
Johnny watches him. The pain. The horror. The weakness. The _fear_.  
  
He smiles again, sighs in satisfaction and the man sobs out when the mallet swings through the air again.  
  
 _Another bang, another crack, more blood, more muffled screams._  
  
Again.  
  
 _Again!_  
  
 _AGAIN!!_  
  
Bang. Crack. Blood. Silence.  
  
Johnny takes a deep breath, watches the blood pool and run off the table. He sighs, drops the mallet with a thud.  
  
"Perfect."

  
  
\-----

  
  
  
"How many?" Yuta asks before he chomps down on the piece of chicken Johnny holds out for him with his chopsticks. He chews on it happily, smiles when Johnny puts one in his own mouth.  
  
Johnny looks at him in silence as he chews. It's a question and Yuta knows. He's always been very bold to ask them, even if they are simply enjoying lunch in a newly opened neighborhood bar.  
  
Yuta answers Johnny with the same silence, folds his hands together and rests his head on them, eyes twinkling.  
  
Johnny's eyes darken and they trail outside, to the passing pedestrians. He swallows, his throat going down and coming up slowly before he licks his lips.  
  
Yuta loves it, loves how he carries himself, and expresses himself in a subtle yet clear way. It's what drew him to Johnny in the first place.  
  
"I've lost count." He finally says. Turns to Yuta and watching how the now brown haired man looks at him.  
  
"You don't seem surprised." he adds after a moment.  
  
Yuta cocks his head, eyes still twinkling. Johnny has learned he does that when he is fascinated, when something amuses him.  
  
"Should I be?" He asks, smile breaking out over his face again.  
  
Johnny smirks.  
  
"No."  
  


  
\-----

  
  
Johnny opens the door and is immediately greeted by Yuta's voice.  
  
"Come in! Come in! I'm almost done. I swear!"  
  
His eyebrows furrow together and he walks in, takes in the apartment. The ceiling is high, large windows fitting the architecture beautifully. They also allow for an abundance of natural light. The large room is basked in the orange light of the setting sun and Johnny trails his eyes over the furniture. Mismatched, but still seeming to fit the area.  
  
Hanging lights, plants, screens and everything out if the ordinary are scattered across the room. There are shelves filled with books and some are just empty. The object supposed to occupy them probably scattered over one the tables set in the room.  
  
Sketchbooks, paint, pencils, rulers and cylinders are scattered over them. Paintings of varying sizes are laid against them in stacks and heaps. It's so out of the ordinary. The opposite of his plain house, but somehow. He feels like it suits Yuta.  
  
There is a large mattress at the end, wardrobe and mirror reflecting even more sun onto the room. An easel is located near the last window, large canvas placed on it and when Johnny walks by the sitting area Yuta peeks from behind it.  
  
"Done! Now give me five more minutes!"  
  
Before Johnny can even say anything the silver haired man walks to the only other door in the apartment and disappears.  
  
"Promise! Five minutes!" He hears as he walks further into the explosion of culture and art.  
  
He studies the paintings. Some are finished, beautiful flowers gardens and trees with spring landscapes and others are not, paint splattered over them in a grotesque way. Or maybe they are. Johnny thinks as he looks at the unfinished painting of a woman in red, a mix of black and purple paint splattered over her face.  
  
Curiously he walks over to the large canvas Yuta had left a minute ago. There is a small table by it, paint and dirty brushes are scattered over its surface, much like the other tables.  
  
He steps forward eyes falling on the canvas as he turns and he's... not sure. It's a city. A very large city that resembles... Venice?  
It's painted in detail, every door, window, river, and person, the sunlight kissing it. It looks pleasant, but then the far right of the city is basked in darkness, storm clouds dimming the sunlight and wind howling through the streets. The people look like shadows, ghosts of a dead city.  
  
Johnny studies the lines, the color, the paint that is beginning to dry from where Yuta had just finished. That's how Yuta finds him, hands in his pockets as he takes it all in.  
  
"You're an artist."  
  
"Is that a bad thing?" Yuta asks cocking an eyebrow. He's wearing a large purple dress shirt over black jeans, hair down and curling neatly as he places a small box down.  
  
"You're good." Johnny says instead of answering his question.  
  
"Thank you." He falls silent as he watches Johnny, he has yet to stop staring at his painting. "Do you like it?"  
  
Johnny turns to him then, eyes slowly giving him a once over, like the first time they met. Yuta shudders lightly.  
  
"Perhaps."  
  
"Perhaps?"  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
"You have no idea how much I love seeing you like that,"  
  
Yuta says before he kisses Johnny full on the lips. Hard, hungry, wanting, straddling Johnny and holding his head back against the couch.  
  
"Sick."  
  
Kiss-  
  
"Twisted."  
  
Kiss-  
  
"In utter control."  
  
Kiss-  
  
"When are you doing it again?"  
  
Johnny looks up at him with hooded eyes, dark, collected, searing towards Yuta. It makes Yuta's insides churn. His arms are up beside his head, hair a bit disheveled, long bangs falling into his eyes, lips slightly parted.  
  
His tongue darts out slowly, licks between them before he speaks.  
  
"What if it's you."  
  
Yuta sucks in a breath.  
  
"What if I decide-," Johnny's hands lower, fingers wrapping around Yuta's hips in a vice grip, "-that you'll be the one on my table."  
  
His voice is low, deep and Yuta keens, flushes himself against Johnny and moans out.  
  
"God, Johnny. You offering me the opportunity to have your hands stained with my blood is the most romantic thing you've ever said to me."  
  
Kiss-  
  
"Fuck!"  
  
Kiss-  
  
"I fucking love you."  
  
Johnny smiles into his next kiss, lifts one of his hands to sink it in Yuta's hair and licks into his mouth. Their kisses become more frantic, more needy, until Johnny ends up railing Yuta on the couch. Face down, ass up as he moans out:  
  
"Johnny!"  
  


  
\-----  
  
  


  
"This is the most happy I've seen you in a long time man and you're telling me you aren't sure??"  
  
There is a ripple between Jaehyun's eyebrows as he looks at Johnny from his seat, the latter standing behind his desk and flipping a page in the most recent files for hardware shipments.  
  
Johnny closes the folder and looks at his friend.  
  
"Please don't tell me that it's like that time with Taeyong. John he was devastated. I don't think anyo-"  
  
"It's not like Taeyong." Johnny says cutting him off. He sits down and runs a hand through his hair.  
  
"Are you sure? I still think you'll do a better job than me..," Jaehyun frowns.  
  
"Jaehyun," Johnny sighs, “You’re perfect for him."  
  
"But, I'm not you."  
  
"You don't want to be me." Johnny says and his eyes harden. "It would be better for the both of you, if you weren't."  
  
Jaehyun swallows, fidgets in his seat. "Sorry man. I didn't mean to-"  
  
"It's fine." Johnny really didn't like talking about his past. Jaehyun of all people knew that.  
  
There is a pause in which Johnny signs the documents he'd just finished reading.  
  
"You know-," Jaehyun starts again, "-have I ever told you that you scare me sometimes?"  
  
Johnny's hand stills and his eyes shift up to lock with Jaehyun's. There is a pause again.  
  
"Sometimes you always seem so distant and ...frightening. I hope you've never noticed tha-"  
  
"I have." Johnny finally answers and Jaehyun falls silent. Johnny can see him swallow, can see his eyes widen slightly. All the sign Jaehyun emits when he is shaken, but before his friend can open his mouth to say anything else the door to Johnny's office opens and the spell breaks.  
  
Johnny looks up and Jaehyun turns around, just in time to see Yuta lean against the doorframe with a brilliant smile.  
  
"Hey boys."  
  
Jaehyun scoffs in disbelieve and Johnny simply replies with. "Yuta."  
  
"I brought lunch."  
  
He lifts up a bag of takeout and a moment later Taeil rushes in behind him.  
  
"I'm so sorry Johnny. He slipped passed me. I couldn't stop him."  
  
"It’s fine Taeil," Johnny says with a small smile. His secretary lets out a sigh of relieve before excusing himself.  
  
"Yuta," Johnny says again, when Taeil has walked off.  
  
"Hey baby." Yuta coos, walks over and props himself on Johnny's desk. "I bought Thai, If you don't mind that?" He says slowly, his eyebrows furrowing slightly.  
  
"I don't," Jaehyun says. "Hey Yuta."  
  
"Hi Jae!" Yuta smiles. "How's Taeyong?"  
  
"Good. He just finished a piece today."  
  
"Painting or pot?"  
  
"Pot." Jaehyun grins. "He says he needs to add the mommy pot and baby pot now."  
  
"That's so like him." Yuta giggles, unaware of the way Johnny is leaning back in his chair and running his eyes up the Japanese man.  
Tight skinny jeans and a tank top. Hmm.  
  
Then Yuta realizes, falls silent and his eyes trail to him. "Johnny?"  
  
Johnny simply hums, stands up and reaches for the bag of food.  
  
Later, when Jaehyun has a piece of broccoli between his lips and is tapping on his phone (One of their clients, he had said), Yuta leans in from his place on the table and whisper asks.  
  
"Is something wrong? I won't come by anymore if you don't like it."  
  
Johnny chomps down on the veggie Yuta's been holding out for him, scans his worried face as he chews. He's been feeding him, insisted on it. Said he wanted to eat with him.  
  
Johnny gestures him closer then, finger slowly shifting and Yuta leans in obediently to hear what he has to say.  
  
"I was just thinking how you'd look if I fucked you on my desk."  
  
Yuta takes in a breath, eyes wide when Johnny leans back. They grow even wider when Jaehyun speaks again.  
  
"This guy is being a handful. I'll have to call him." he says annoyed, already getting up out of his seat.  
  
"Thanks for the food Yuta. I'll see you later John," are the last things he says before he pulls the door closed behind him.  
  
Yuta's head flicks to Johnny the second after it clicks shut and the only thing Johnny says when he gets up is:  
  
"Strip."  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
Yuta lifts an eyebrow as he eyes the small box Johnny is holding between his thumb, index- and middle fingers. It's blood red and small in his large hand. His eyes flick up to Johnny.  
  
"What's the occasion?"  
  
Yuta looks so small in Johnny's sweater. The brown fabric much darker to Yuta's newly dyed blonde hair. He has it down, framing his face as he holds onto his sketch book and pencil.  
  
He'd been curled up on the couch, sketching a small French poodle when Johnny had walked in.  
  
"There is no occasion." Johnny says, sinking down on the couch next to Yuta. He pulls his left hand towards him and Yuta lets him. Let's go of his sketchbook easily, so the man can hold his hand. Johnny offers him the box again, "Just you."  
  
Yuta's brows furrow, but he takes it and Johnny removes the lid. Yuta's eyes grow in surprise at its contents. It's a ring. Yuta believes it to be silver, with rubies and diamonds that catch in the living room lights. It's thin, but he can still make out the small cursive words engraved on the inside. _Cor meum._  
  
"It's a gift." Johnny says before Yuta can speak.  
  
"I wanted to get you something. Something that suits you," he took the ring out slowly, "Something you deserve."  
  
He slips the ring on Yuta's slender ring finger and admires it.  
  
"It's too much." Yuta says, watches as Johnny runs his finger over the ring. "I don't deserve it."  
  
A small smile curls onto Johnny's lips. That’s so like Yuta.  
  
"Rubies."  
  
Johnny kisses the back of his hand.  
  
"For your divine creativity."  
  
"Diamonds."  
  
He turns his hand and kisses his wrist, right on his pulls point, before he breaths out.  
  
"My promise to you."  
  
He looks at Yuta from where he presses his nose to his hand.  
  
"Faithfulness."  
  
Yuta's heart starts racing.  
  
"W-why silver?" He stutters out.  
  
Johnny intertwines their fingers and squeezes.  
  
"It's white gold."  
  
A pause.  
  
"For your beauty,"  
  
Another pause as he looks over Yuta's face, the smaller man's chest heaving lightly now.  
  
"And everlasting love."  
  
Johnny's face doesn't portray any of his emotions, but the words are whispered and they sound more like a question than a statement. It's the first time Yuta has ever seen him. Uncertain?  
  
Yuta blinks rapidly to keep the tears that are threatening to fall at bay. A futile effort for they slowly drip down his face when Johnny leans in.  
  
"Johnny," he sniffles as the latter kisses his tears softly, “What does Cor meum mean?"  
  
Johnny smiles again, kisses Yuta softly on the lips and Yuta moans lightly, clutches the large man's shirt with his other hand. Keeps him close as if he'll vanish if he let's go.  
  
"Cor meum," Johnny whispers against his lips, breath hot.  
  
"My heart."

  
  
\-----

  
  
No. No, _no, no, no, no_.  
  
Yuta clenches his jaw, strokes over the canvas. His fingers shake, sleek line tilting ever so slightly at the end and that's it.  
  
Yuta lets out a frustrated scream, smacks his hand against the canvas and his easel falls over with a clatter as he stands up, knocking over the small table at his side as well.  
  
He groans as he watches paint spill over the wooden floorboards, seep into them and mix together. _Failure_.  
  
He stands there in silence, breath picking up by the second. The more he stares, the more his fury rises. The more it bubbles, starts to fester in his limbs as he shakes. He clenches his fist in resistance.  
  
 _Failure. That's all you'll ever be_.  
  
The tears start rolling down his face.  
  
 _You'll never amount to anything._  
  
He closes his eyes, wishes it away.  
  
 _You'll never be anything._  
  
He screams.

His body shakes in fury, frustration and _Pain_. He hunches over and claws at his palette, paint mixing in his hand and getting under his nails as he scrambles over the floor to his discarded canvas. He smashes his hand into it, a flurry of color splattering over the face of the unknown woman he was working on.  
  
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate... _myself._  
  
He sobs.

  
Grasps his face, paint coloring his skin as he cries. He stares at the painting and it mocks him, lays down the words he refuses to hear, and refuses to accept.  
  
 _Failure. Useless. Worthless. A disgrace._  
  
An image of himself. Face disoriented and dislocated. Paint scattered everywhere. He is the painting, the painting is him.  
  
He screams again, hurls the canvas away from him. It crashes down onto the floor near one of his shelves, the clatter of the wood echoing through his apartment, before being replaced by his cries.  
  
It overwhelms him, as it always does. He can't breathe, sobs racking his chest as he tries to catch his breath.  
  
He scrambles to his feet, walks to his bed and drop onto it just to bury his face in the pillows and sob harder, convinced that if he smothered himself enough he would just die, could just die, could just forget all this sorrow.  
  
He doesn't know how long he'd been sleeping when he stirs, but when he opens his eyes the sun has set and the moon is high in the sky, illuminating his quiet apartment in its soft glow.  
  
He blinks up at it, pressed into the soft pillows. His face feels puffy and dry from all the tears he's shed, itches a few places where paint has probably dried, but he can't find it in him to move, to do anything.  
  
He lies like that for an unknown amount of minutes until he notices the continuous flicking of his Smartphone’s led light, signaling him of an unread notification. It blinks every few seconds, waits for him.  
  
He sluggishly reaches out a hand and grabs it, narrows his eyes at the sharp lighting, before turning it down and checking his notification bar.  
  
It's Johnny.  
  
 _"When can I see you again_?” he had asked in the morning.  
  
 _I should be free one of these days. I'll let you know._  
  
Yuta stares at the message, expressionless. The turmoil of emotions within him fighting each other, but not yet having conquered one another to portray.  
  
Johnny was always like this. Always did this to him. Johnny was the only thing that allowed him to grasp a certain emotion. Even if it was just for a second, Johnny allowed him to feel anything, _anything_ but sorrow.  
  
He finds himself sitting up, body seemingly moving on its own as he gets out of bed, as he makes for a new destination.  
  
Somehow Johnny does not seem surprised to see him when he opens the door to his house, Yuta quiet on his door step in the dead of night. By the looks of it, he'd been getting ready for bed. His simple sleep sweats the only garment on his large frame.  
  
"Yuta," He starts, looks him over, face neutral. "What ha-"  
  
He's cut off when Yuta steps in and kisses him, wraps his arms around his bare shoulders and flushes himself close.  
  
Johnny freezes at first. Then his arms wrap around Yuta and he returns the kiss, deepens it. Yuta moans as he's overpowered, Johnny pushing his head back and the front door falling shut. The sound of it closing echoes through the quiet house as they kiss.  
  
Yuta sucks on Johnny's tongue and finally opens his eyes. He's met with Johnny's, honey brown and lid as he stares down at Yuta.  
  
"I want to ride you." Is what he says and Johnny's eyes narrow lightly, but he does not protest when Yuta pulls him to the bedroom.  
  
It's selfish. He knows. Of course he knows, but he can't help it. He doesn't want to think. He just wants to feel and like this, he feels.  
  
On top of Johnny, hips shifting up and down as he feels Johnny's long and thick shaft drag against his walls, as he feels Johnny's large calloused hands on his hips, fingers sinking into the flesh there as Yuta rides him. Rides him like his life depends on it. Head tilted back and moaning with abandon as they move in time with each other. His hands caressing over his body and twisting his pierced nipples in delight. His dick smacks against his stomach, leaks pitifully as he's close.  
  
"Johnny!" He moans out, "Oh God, Johnny!!"  
  
That's all he can think about. All he wants to feel.  
  
"You're so big baby, so fucking big." He moans out, leaning forward to run his hands over Johnny's toned chest. It's broad under his hands and he can feel his heart thumping, his muscles flexing as he thrusts up into Yuta. Yes, this is what he wants, to drown in Johnny, to succumb to him. He closes his eyes, whines out. "I'm close."  
  
He hears Johnny take in a breath before he speaks and Yuta's eyes fly open at his words.  
  
"Good, cum for me. You ride me so well."  
  
Yuta's breath hitches and he stutters out as Johnny lift his feet and plants them on the mattress, starts fucking into Yuta with rough jabs. Yuta moans out and shakes. Wait no. This is.  
  
"You did so good baby." Johnny coos, "A good little slut for me right?" And the shock that's sent up Yuta's spine is borderline painful.  
  
"John- wai- n-no." He stutters, moans as he's thrust into, mouth falling open. "Fuck-fuck- oh!!"  
  
"Come on baby." Johnny lifts a hand to grab one of Yuta's and pulls it to his face, kisses it. "Cum for me."  
  
And Yuta outright sobs, spills over himself and Johnny. No. no this isn't what he wanted. He hiccups as his body shakes, tears starting to spill from his eyes in waves. No, please.  
  
"Johnny," he sobs out, "I- I'm so-sorry."  
  
Johnny sits up, cups his face and kisses his cheek. "Sorry for what? You did so well."  
  
And Yuta cries harder. Johnny doesn't get it. Doesn't realize what he's doing when he turns Yuta onto his back and starts fucking into him again, chasing his own orgasm.  
  
"No!" Yuta sobs, moans as he wraps his arms around Johnny, who kisses Yuta's neck and praises him.  
  
"So good. You're so good. Too good for me," he says, hips thrusting forward.  
  
"Yuta," he moans when he cums, deep inside, lips to Yuta's ear and hand in his hair.  
  
"Johnny." Yuta cries. "Johnny."  
  
Johnny chuckles, sits up and pants lowly, sweat glisters on his skin, makes it shine. He swipes at Yuta's tears, rubs small circles in the skin of his cheek.  
  
"You're so pretty when you cry," he sighs, running his fingers over Yuta's cheek, over the dried paint and puffy skin. "Only cry for me."  
  
Yuta's heart aches, aches as he stares up at Johnny, tears still lightly falling from his eyes when he nods. "Okay."  
  
Johnny smiles again and leans in and pecks Yuta on the lips.  
  
"Good boy."

  
  
\-----

  
  
Johnny wakes up to kisses being peppered on the side of his face, his brows furrow as he blinks his eyes open. Yuta is on top of him, smiles as the sun fills the room.  
  
"Happy birthday," He whispers.  
  
Johnny yawns, places his hands on Yuta's hips and squeezes.  
  
"Good morning."  
  
"Morning."  
  
"How long have you been up?"  
  
Yuta continues to smile, "A while."  
  
Johnny hums, "What have you been up to?"  
  
Yuta giggles and sits up, eyes bright as he reaches for something on the bed. He holds it out proudly once he's retrieved it.  
  
Johnny blinks, still a bit sleepy.  
  
"Cake?"  
  
Yuta nods in excitement. "I made it myself."  
  
Johnny blinks at that, takes in a breath and sits up slowly. Yuta scoots backward and settles on his own knees between Johnny's legs. He looks at the cake for a moment. It's simple, small, and chocolate, with a single yellow candle in the middle.  
  
"You baked-," he looks up, "-me a cake?" He questions again.  
  
Yuta nods with the same excitement as before. "Yeah! Happy birthday Johnny!"  
  
Johnny is quiet for a moment. Then he takes the cake and places it back on the bed. Yuta's face falls to confusion.  
  
"Do you not like it?" he asked concerned, but Johnny pulls him into a hug, wraps his arms around his shoulders and pulls him close. "Johnny?"  
  
"I love it," Johnny whispers, "No one has ever done something like this for me."

  
  
\-----  
  


  
Johnny watches as Yuta plays with a small girl in the park, hunches down and talks to her with a smile on his face, wind blowing through his hair.  
  
He watches as he smiles, imitates a cat and gestures with his arms, the small girl laughing and mimicking his movements. Then he looks up, smile widening as he waves at Johnny.  
  
He waves back from where he is stood at the side.

A lady speaks. "You're friend is great with kids."  
  
"He is." Johnny says, glancing to his side where she is located. Hair up in a bun and attire resembling that of what a mother usually looks like. Johnny looks back at Yuta. "But he's not my friend."  
  
"Oh?" The lady seems a bit confused. "What is he then, if not your friend? A brother? A cousin?"  
  
Johnny doesn't answer. Just watches Yuta jog over with the girl.  
  
"Mama, Mr. Yuta does the best cat impressions!"  
  
"I bet he does."  
  
"You have a very sweet daughter." Yuta says with a smile. "A colorful spirit."  
  
"Why thank you." The lady smiles at the small girl, “Go get your dad for me okay?"  
  
The small girl nods and runs off, before the lady smiles again. "I bet you'll be an amazing father."  
  
"Ah," Yuta laughs, "I don't think.., I’ll ever have kids."  
  
"Why is that?"  
  
Yuta smiles awkwardly then, glances at Johnny. Johnny thinks it's probably because they themselves have never brought up the conversation, but the lady takes it a different way.  
  
"Oh, God." She start and Johnny already dislikes the way the tone of her voice changes. "Are you?"  
  
Her eyes dart between the both of them and Johnny sees Yuta stiffen.  
  
"Gay?" He starts. "Yes, well at least I am. I haven't actually asked John his sexuality."  
  
The lady looks up at Johnny and he sees the disgust in her eyes. He shifts his jaw as he stares back at her and she looks away, looks at Yuta instead.  
  
"Disgusting." She says. "People like you-"  
  
"People like you, what?" Yuta asks and his voice sounds Icy, Johnny has never heard it like that and it sends a pleasant tingle up his spine, but he dislikes the way the lady is speaking to him.  
  
She lifts her nose in the air. "An abomination, disgrace to God. I hope you burn in hell."  
  
Yuta opens his mouth to speak, but Johnny steps between them, large frame towering over her when he says.  
  
"I hope you're aware that the God you speak of doesn't allow scum like you in heaven either. If I'm going to burn, you'll be right there beside me."  
  
She gasps silently as she looks up at him, his heavy gaze boring into hers. He watches her take a step back, the fear appearing in her eyes. He wonders what it would be like to hear her scre-  
  
"Johnny."  
  
Yuta's voice cuts into his train of thought and he looks down at him. He has an arm over his, grips gently. "It's not worth it."  
  
Johnny looks up, at the lady and just past her he can see her daughter. His eyes flick down to her again and she shudders. He narrows his eyes and smiles. "Have a good day."  
  
With that he turns and walks away, Yuta coming next to him and glancing back, before he says.  
  
"I feel bad for Maria."  
  
"Is that her name?" Johnny asks, eyes still looking forward.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Johnny hums, looking at Yuta then. He's frowning, pretty lips turned downwards as he walks along. Johnny grabs his hand then, Yuta looking up surprised as he wraps it around his.  
  
"Let's go get some pizza."  
  
"Pizza?" Yuta questions.  
  
"Or anything you want."  
  
Yuta's smile returns at that. He tightens his hold on Johnny's arm and laughs.  
  
"Pizza is perfect."

  
  
\-----

  
  
Yuta's seated on the high wooden table, feet swaying back and forth over the edge as he erases some guidelines on his paper. He looks at it curiously.  
  
"Baby?"  
  
"Yes." Johnny answers from where he is sorting his tools. His back is turned, but he looks over his shoulder when Yuta asks.  
  
"Does this look okay?"  
  
Johnny walks around his work table, peers at Yuta's drawing. "The angle?" He questions, looking up at Yuta, who nods.  
  
"Her right leg seems oddly proportioned."  
  
Yuta flips his sketchbook around and stares. "You're right," he says, eyes wide. He immediately starts erasing the limb to redo it.  
  
"Thank you." He says with a smile as he blows the small bits off the paper, Johnny returning to his work bench, before replying.  
  
"Uhu."  
  
Yuta continues his drawing before saying. "This one is quite lively. Where did you find him?"  
  
The muffled screams that had been going on this entire time halt. Yuta looks up, over his sketchbook and at the man.  
  
"Alley."  
  
"The one by the bakery we like? Kun’s?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"What did he do?"  
  
"Besides hitting on the middle school girls that were passing by?" Johnny paused. "He pissed me off."  
  
Yuta snorts and the muffling begins again. "Ready?" He asks placing down his sketchbook. He loved watching Johnny work. It filled him with excitement and inspiration.  
  
"I'm not sure what to use today." Johnny says then. He turns around, looks at the man, then at Yuta. "Any ideas?"  
  
Yuta mulls it over for a moment, and then he snaps his fingers.  
  
"Crowbar."  
  
"As you wish sweetheart." Johnny smiles and Yuta giggles.  
  
The man groans and muffles out something.  
  
"What did he say?" Yuta asks watches as Johnny drags the heavy crowbar off his work bench. A shiver goes up his spine at the way he moves, the way his muscles flex, his jaw sets. Johnny takes a stance, strong and precise.  
  
"That we're insane."  
  
Yuta's laugh echoes along with the loud bang and crack when Johnny brings the crowbar down on the man's arm.  
  
Both Yuta and Johnny fall silent as they watch the man shake in pain. Cries dampened by his gag. His eyes dart from Johnny to Yuta, tears already forming.  
  
"You have no idea." Yuta says and Johnny smiles, brings the crowbar down again in one swift movement, a little lower this time. The bones in his arm spring up and tear open the skin, blood splattering a bit, before it runs down the injured arm.  
  
"Ooh grotesque." Yuta smiles, eyes twinkling.  
  
Johnny chuckles, the metal table rattling in front of him, man shaking and crying.  
  
"You flatter me."

  
  
\-----

  
  
Yuta buries his face in Johnny's shirt as the latter guides him over the wooden panels. The wind blows at his hair gently, cool air of the night surrounding them as they move over the dance floor.  
  
Slow waltz, street lights, stars and _Johnny_.  
  
He honestly hadn't thought they would get this far. Didn't think Johnny would reply to him, agree on their dates. Meet up, make memories, but here they were, dancing under the stars on a cool Sunday evening.  
  
They had spent it lounging around Yuta's apartment, because he had a piece to finish. Johnny reclined on one of his chairs, flipping through one of his many art books.  
  
He had said he enjoyed watching the process of Yuta's work. Even if Yuta found some of them horrible, Johnny would look at them a certain way. A way Yuta had yet to understand, but now there were some looks Yuta understood.  
  
Even when his face was emotionless, Johnny had a way of looking at things, a way of judging them or deciding. His eyes would grow slightly if he liked something, honey brown shining over for a moment. They would harden when he _dis_ liked something, gaze piercing everything in sight. His jaw would sometimes also shift a certain way, revealing his annoyance. The most prominent display of Johnny's emotions though, was when he seemed to belittle and overpower everything and anyone in his presence. It frightened Yuta along with them.  
  
But there were also looks Yuta did not understand. When Johnny would fall silent and stare at something, but nothing at the same time, eyes running cold. Yuta questions if he is even there. Or when he would stare at a stranger for an abundance of time,  
  
but the look Yuta had no way to decipher, was the way Johnny looked at _him_.  
  
Yuta would catch him staring sometimes, silently watching him while he was painting, or cooking. He had woken up to Johnny watching him on numerous occasions, but the large male never said anything.  
  
It was concerning, because Johnny showed no signs of annoyance, but also no signs of rejection. It had been on his mind for quite some time now and in some way he'd made peace with it, because as long as he could be with Johnny. He'd be happy.  
  
So the words fall from his lips that night, when they are under the stars, waltzing to a street band.  
  
Johnny tilts him backwards and the stars of the night sky twinkle around him. It feels peaceful, lovely, _right_.   
  
Johnny pulls him up and looks at him, looks at him _that_ way and Yuta says. "I'm in love with you."  
  
Johnny doesn't still, doesn't speak. Just continues to guide Yuta along as they waltz.  
  
"I don't expect you to return my feeling," Yuta says then, "I'm sorry if I've ruined what we have."  
  
Johnny pushes him out gentle, and just as slowly he twirls Yuta until they're back to chest, Johnny's breath hot on his ear when he whispers.  
  
"You haven't."

  
  
\-----

  
  
"Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you ended up with different parents."  
  
"I have before."  
  
"Do you not anymore?"  
  
"No."  
  
"How come?"  
  
A pause.  
  
"If my life would have turned out any differently, I wouldn't have met you."  
  
"You don't know that for certain."  
  
"That's true."  
  
Another pause.  
  
"But I'd relive this hell if I was certain I'd meet you."

  
  
\-----

  
  
Rain.  
  
Rain always calmed him in a way. It used to drown out the yelling. The beating. In recent years, the screams.  
  
A thunderclap. A thunk. The sound of water streaming rapidly. Wind rustling the sleeping trees in the dead of night.  
  
Johnny hoisted himself off the ground, wet dirt getting under his nails as he climbed out of the hole he had dug, now big and deep enough to his liking. The rain was unexpected, but he'll have to make due.  
  
He opens one of the bags that are laid on the ground amongst his shovel and items he needs. Rain pitter pattering on the plastic and tape. The smell of blood and rotting flesh starts to rise up, he wiggles his nose, before reaching in, grabbing a piece of flesh to toss it into the hole.  
  
He does that for a few minutes, makes sure he tosses every piece correctly, until the bag is completely empty. Then he looks in the hole, too dark for his human eyes, much like the surrounding area. He should be more frightened, but nothing frightened him anymore. He doesn't feel much of anything these days. That and well, the fact that he knew these woods like the back of his hands.  
  
He grabs another bag, the rip of the paper and plastic fading into the rain. It's followed by the sound of raining gravel as he empties the small stones into the hole, making sure to spread it properly, like before.  
  
It's a step by step process. Flesh. Gravel. Another bag. Earth, heavy and fertile. Then the sand and stones he dug up, more earth.  
  
He reaches for the last bag, small and sturdy, pulls at the strings and opens it. He feels the small plant come free, un-tangles some of its roots and places it in the ground, uses his hand to set it in the wet dirt. Then he sticks in a pole, the last item.  
  
By the time he's made sure the small plant is secured to the pole and won't topple over, his shirt is drenched, and hair sticks to his face as water runs down his neck. It's starting to get cold.  
  
He'll have to come back tomorrow and check to see of his little buddy is still upright.  
  
Finally he's finished. He looks up and a flash of lightning illuminates the sky, basks the area in white light and reveals all the beautiful trees that have grown over the few years since he started planting them. Another brother to his family.  
  
He smiles, gets up and stretches. Gathers his shovel and empty bags. Tonight he'll burn them amongst the leaves and twigs of his gardens disposal.  
  
But for now-, He places the shovel on his shoulder and walks into the woods again, heavy steps drowned by the rain, -He can enjoy the sounds of the forest.

  
  
\-----

  
  
"That one?" Yuta questions, he looks up at Johnny curiously.  
  
Johnny pulls him close by the hip as they walk down the sidewalk. Eyes trained on the man ahead of them. "Yeah," he smiles.  
  
"That one."  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
"It looks just like him."  
  
Yuta turns around to look at Mark, who is sitting on his bed, guitar in hand. Donghyuck is snuggled into his side, snoring lightly.  
How he fell asleep doesn't surprise Yuta. Mark's tunes are quite calming, what surprises him is how he manages to sleep in that position.  
  
"Does it?" He smiles and Mark nods, looks at the painting in wonder.  
  
"Good, I'm glad."  
  
"You really like him huh?" Mark questions when Yuta is running his brush over the canvas again.  
  
"I do."  
  
"I'm happy for you."  
  
"I'm happy too." and he really is. Happier the he's ever been since he's met Johnny.  
  
The music is calming, but his emotions become mixed when Mark asks another question.  
  
"Is he happy though?"  
  
Yuta stills, blinks.  
  
"I don't mean it like that." Mark hurries to say, his fingers stopping the tune he is playing. "It's just, he pauses, "he... always seems so out of it."  
  
Yuta's brows furrow and he looks at Mark again. "Does he?"  
  
Johnny has always been Johnny to him. Quiet, strong... frightening, but he was always there, always there when Yuta needed him. Was it his imagination?  
  
"I don't know man. Maybe he's different with you, but he always seems so cold and distant."  
  
Yuta turned to his canvas again, looked at his unfinished painting. Johnny looking to the side, Yuta making sure he got all his sharp and strong features.  
  
"He… doesn't seem cold." Yuta murmurs.  
  
"So he's happy?" Mark questions again.  
  
Yuta still stares at his painting, at _Johnny_ when he whispers out.  
  
"I'm... not so sure now."  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
The wood crackles as Yuta snuggles in close to Johnny, the large man automatically wrapping his arm around him.  
  
Yuta sighs. He's warm, content.  
  
"What's wrong?" Johnny asks, rubbing his nose into Yuta's red locks.  
  
" _It's for the spirit of Christmas_ ," he had said, eyebrows raising in mischief. Johnny only finding him in lingerie just as red that night, sprawled over their bed with a white bow around his neck and antlers on his head. " _Merry Christmas,"_ he smiled seductively and Johnny has him in his arms faster than a child running to open their presents.  
  
"Nothing," Yuta hummed, "Just thinking."  
  
"About?"  
  
"How happy I am…with you. Here. In our home."  
  
Johnny kisses where his nose was buried, hums.  
  
"That makes me happy."

  
  
\-----  
  


  
("You're going to hell.")  
  
"I've made peace with that." Johnny's voice is neutral as he douses the cloth in his hand with chloroform.  
  
("You're sick. Sick I tell you.")  
  
Johnny hums, gets up and places the bottle on the shelf amongst the many others.  
  
("Honestly what the fuck. I can't believe monsters like you exist.").  
  
"There are worse monster than me. Be glad I'm the one you met."  
  
A muffled laugh.

("You're scum, I bet your mother didn't even love you and that's why you're acting up. Mommy didn't give you enough love huh.")  
  
Johnny stills.  
  
"She did love me. Maybe a little too much. She actually begged for her life when I stabbed her to death."  
  
("You really are sick huh? You son of a bitch. Everyone thinks you're such a nice guy too.")  
  
"People can believe what they want to believe."  
  
("People believe what you want them to believe.")  
  
Johnny nods slightly, closes his eyes and the drawer he was looking through. He places down the wrench and pliers. This one was very talkative. He wonders how he'll scream when he pulls out his nails.  
  
("What about him.")  
  
Johnny stills again.  
  
("Ooh so that one is also a victim.")  
  
Johnny turns around slowly, eyes hard as he stares at the man on the ground.  
  
("Is he an experiment, a toy?")  
  
Johnny lets out a breath through his nose.  
  
("How will you kill him? Do you want to see him beg?")  
  
Johnny doesn't say anything. So the man continues  
  
("Yuta right?") And the hand Johnny has on his work bench twitches.  
  
("Come on. You can tell me. You're going to kill me anyway right?")  
  
("Are you going to make him beg? Scream? Cr-")  
  
"I could never." Johnny lets out suddenly.  
  
The man's eyebrows shoot up. Johnny curses internally. It was true. Yuta was.... he could never hurt Yuta. He... could, ...would have to if he ever... Johnny pushed down the thought. Not Yuta. He would never forgive himse-  
  
("Are you joking??") The man's muffles cut off his train of thought.  
  
("You love him? You??")  
  
Johnny's breath catches, his heart rate picks up. "No, I don't."  
  
It sounds like a lie not only to the man, but also to himself. He was aware that Yuta loved him. He had said it many times before, but Johnny had never thought about Yuta that way.  
  
Never thought about him leaving..., never thought about him turning away, leaving Johnny. It made him feel hollow and it kept spreading. Turning into rage as he stood there realizing he did _not_ want Yuta to leave. _Ever_.  
  
("He'll never love you.") The man let out suddenly. ("How could he?" A monster like you." No one will ever love you!") He started trashing again and Johnny's fury and uncertainty only grew.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
("I hope he leaves you! Someone like you doesn't deserve love!")  
  
"Shut up! Shut up!"  
  
Johnny walked forward, long legs closing the space in mere seconds, plans forgotten and eyes aflame. He grabbed the man by the collar and pulled him up, fist rising into the air to strike him.  
  
Then there was a light thud and Johnny froze, eyes shooting up to the ceiling. A moment later he heard the front door opening. His eyes grew a bit. _Yuta._  
  
The man under him shifted, but before Johnny could properly look down he was kneed in the stomach. He groaned out, a fist connecting to his jaw a second later. He fell onto the concrete floor with a thud, the man next to him scrambling up. He must have gotten lose while they were talking. Shit.  
  
Johnny grits his teeth in fury, grabbing onto the man's pants. The one time he fucks up is when he shouldn't have. The man stumbles a bit and looks back, yanks his leg free as Johnny gets up.  
  
Johnny tackles him and they crash into the nearby wall, stumble over each other as Johnny tries to keep him down. The man fights with all his might, but Johnny is easily overpowering him. That is, until he says.  
  
("If you're killing me,") the gag finally inches down his face,  
"You're killing him too!"  
  
Johnny falters for a moment when what he says registers, implying that Johnny will be the one to kill Yuta. His eyes shoot up again and the man takes that opportunity to snatch the wrench from his work bench and smack it against the side of Johnny's face.  
  
He stumbles back, grabbing his jaw. The wrench hits the floor with a thunk, heavy footsteps on wood as the man runs up the basement stairs. Johnny tastes iron when he grits his teeth again, fury bubbling over. He screams out just as the basement door smacks open against the wall.  
  
"FUCK!"  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
Yuta yawns, the back of his hand coming up to cover his mouth halfway through the action. He shakes his head to wake himself up a bit, eyes trailing along the living room and over the muted television.  
  
Johnny stirs behind him, couch cushions making a soft sound as he shifts.  
  
"I should go," Yuta whispers looking over his shoulder, watches Johnny's eyes blink open slightly, "It's late."  
  
Johnny blinks again and sits up, leans towards Yuta and the long haired male meets him halfway for their goodbye peck. It's become a regular thing now. They've grown accustomed to each other over the past year. Yuta could come and go as he pleased, spare key to the house, but he liked giving Johnny his space. Aware that they weren't actually together, but this time, _today_ , something changed.  
  
Johnny grumbles into the kiss, still half asleep. He wrapped his arms around Yuta and pulled him onto his chest. Yuta let out a sound of surprise as Johnny's hands rode up under his shirt.  
  
"Johnny?"  
  
Johnny's grip tightened, breath coming over Yuta's ear and making him shiver.  
  
"Stay." he mumbled.  
  
"I think it's better if I go Johnny."  
  
Johnny grumbled again, buried his nose in Yuta's hear.  
  
"Stay, forever."  
  
Yuta took in a breath, a warm feeling spreading from where Johnny was holding him, to his core, before he breathed out in a whisper.  
  
"Okay."

  
  
\-----

  
  
Dinner at Johnny's today.  
  
Yuta had decided as he was nearing his boyfriend’s house, fresh vegetables and meat for a hearty dinner snug in the grocery bags next to him.  
  
He had mulled over sending Johnny a message, but figured he'd keep it a surprise for when he gets home from work.  
  
His eyebrows furrow when he sees Johnny's car in the driveway and the house is quiet when he calls out to him upon entering the house, door falling shut behind him.  
  
He's probably asleep Yuta thinks, shrugs. Surprise dinner still works out then, he smiles. Skillet beef should be perfect.  
  
He's quietly chopping up carrots, broccoli on the side, while he thinks about a new piece when there is a loud bang. It startles Yuta out of his thought and when he turns to the kitchen entrance there is a man, a stranger.  
  
Yuta's blood runs cold and his grip on the kitchen knife tightens.  
  
"Please help me!"  
  
"He's crazy!"  
  
Yuta takes a step back as the man runs to him. He blinks, confused now, "Wha-"  
  
The word dies in his throat when Johnny appears at the entrance now, large and imposing. His eyes lock with Yuta's immediately and a shrill gets sent up his spine.  
  
Johnny's hair is disheveled, blood running from the corner of his lips as he stands there. He lifts a hand as Yuta's eyes widen, wipes the blood with the back of his hands and it stains even more.  
  
"Please, please, he's going to kill us!" The man begs, but Yuta can't hear anything. He can only see Johnny, as he always has. Only.. He actually _sees_ him now.  
  
Everything starts making sense. Everything falls into place. His mouth opens slightly as he blinks, realization spreading over his face.  
  
Johnny's jaw sets and something changes in his eyes. In the way he looks at Yuta. It looks like a plea, a decision, then it's gone again, but Yuta has already accepted it. Even though he doesn't know what it is. What he's decided. In that moment, no matter the outcome, _Yuta chooses_. He chooses for himself.  
  
He looks down at the man, clutching at his shirt and dirtying the fabric as he still begs. Begs to run, begs for anything and Yuta smiles.  
  
He watches the man's eyes grow, watches them dart down as Yuta presses the knife to his stomach, forcing him to step backwards.  
  
"What are you doing?! He's going to kill us!"  
  
The words echo in the kitchen, against the walls and Yuta's soul, but he presses on. Only stops when the man is right between him and Johnny.  
  
Johnny's hands spring into action quickly, wrap around the man in a second, large hand clasping over his mouth right before he was going to scream out again.  
  
Only then does Yuta look up, eyes sorrowful as they lock with Johnny's. He's shaking, but he smiles, wide and genuine.  
  
 _He chooses Johnny._  
  
"Make sure you're done before dinner yeah?"  
  
Johnny's eyes grow ever so lightly, before Yuta continues.  
  
"I'll be right here."  
  
With that he turns and walks back to the cutting board. He's only made it halfway when Johnny's voice startles him.  
  
"Yuta!"  
  
Yuta turns around wide eyed just in time to see Johnny's hands twist, hear the loud crack when the man's neck breaks in an instant, sees him fall to the ground in a heap.  
  
His breath catching in his throat violently as Johnny steps over the dead body walking to him in haste. He stumbles backwards, but Johnny has already reached him. His grip wrapping over the hand Yuta is holding the knife with, and he thinks that's it.  
  
This is where it ends.  
  
Time stops for a brief moment and Yuta blinks, shakes, looks up at the man he loves with wide eyes and Johnny looks back at him.  
 _Like that_. The look Yuta could never decipher before, but now he could.  
  
Soft, gentle, hope.  
  
 _Love._  
  
Yuta gasps and the knife clatters on the floor, Johnny's lips crashing onto his, hard. Hands wrap around his head as he's forced back. Lower back colliding with the counter, before he's lifted onto it, said hands now kneading at his thighs and spreading them.  
  
Yuta whimpers out, hands finding purchase on the back of Johnny's shirt as he tastes iron. He moans when Johnny sucks on his tongue, licks into his mouth over his piercing and kisses him so passionately tears start catching in his eyes.  
  
He shakes and cries, Johnny kissing down his neck, biting, sucking and Yuta can't help but clutch to him, can't help pulling him closer as the large man takes his breath away.  
  
Yuta moans, tears in his eyes and fingers grasping the sheets, before Johnny pulls at them. He tangles their fingers together and lifts them above Yuta's head.  
  
Moan after moan spills from his lips as Johnny thrusts forward, grinds into Yuta with so much want, so much _need_ and Yuta wails out. Cums over his stomach, toes curling and body shaking as he grits his teeth.  
  
"Love you-"  
  
"-I love you." Johnny moans as he continues to thrust forward, continues to bury himself deep inside Yuta with each thrust, seemingly going deeper than he ever has.  
  
Yuta's mouth falls open, his lips quivering. He pants looking at Johnny through hazy eyes. Johnny places his head against his and closes his eyes, breath labored.  
  
Yuta's jaw shifts open and close a few times before he can finally speak. It comes out hoarse and broken.  
  
"H--old y---, ho--ld you---", he gasps out.  
  
Johnny's eyes open and he mumbles out. "Hold me?"  
To which Yuta nods. "Ye-ss, John-"  
  
Johnny pulls their hands down, guides Yuta's around his neck and Yuta's fingers immediately sinks into Johnny's hair. Johnny's own hands wrapping around Yuta's back and grasping his shoulders.  
  
"John-ah--Johnny--L-love you," he slurs, "I-love-you."  
  
Johnny moans out against his neck, thrust picking up again.  
  
"I love you too."  
  
"Fuck-I love you, I love you, I love you." He pants like a mantra, like he hasn't said it enough, like he wants the world to know.  
  
Yuta sobs, tears on his lashes. Peppers the side of Johnny's face with kiss swollen lips as he gets railed, legs locking around Johnny's hips as he lets him take everything he has, everything he is.  
  
It's them. It's their love. Sick, twisted, insane and beautifully frightening. It's theirs.  
  
After all, Yuta chose Johnny and Johnny chose Yuta.  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
"Do you fear me?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Good."  
  


  
\-----  
  


  
_Beautiful. Yes. Magnificent. That's what he'd say. A twist of nature come together by the forces of the universe. Dark. Deadly. Fearsome. One of a kind. Beautifully frightening._   
  
_It's fear that makes you feel alive._   
  
  


_Cor Meum_

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**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far, thank you it means a lot. Even if you think it sucks.  
> I wanted to try writing something like this and also a combination of soft and well...., MERDER (Yes that's how your supposed to read this one bc this is how I said it, carrying on!)
> 
> This fic had roots of inspiration.  
> 1\. A JohnYu fic I read. (Pls father, let them update it's been months MONTHS I TELL YOU!)  
> 2\. My hatred for the world! :D
> 
> No but seriously I was going through a rough patch and this is how I vented.  
> Everything represents something.
> 
> Taeyong is my religion  
> Jaehyun is my belief  
> Winwin is Hope  
> Renjun is the love I receive from people around me  
> Mark is my personality  
> Donghyuck is my boyfriend. (A stable and silent pillar in my life)  
> Taeil is NCT (Another pillar in my life)
> 
> Yuta's de-grader is my mom  
> Johnny's dad .. is also my mom  
> His mom are my dad and siblings
> 
> Johnny and Yuta are me  
> They represent my view on the world and choices I've wanted to make, thoughts that have crossed my mind.  
> They portray my pain, sorrow and rage. My fury and my journey in fighting with myself, accepting myself and loving myself.  
> but most importantly my love for little things and my happiness.
> 
> small snippets of my hobbies and love are scattered throughout the fic.
> 
> Everyone is human, everyone deserves to be loved.
> 
> "Fear" represents all the battles I'm fighting and will have to fight. 
> 
> Cor meum  
> My heart  
> is what I poured out for you in this fic.
> 
> I'm sorry for getting all emotional and teary eyed. I'm okay!  
> Just remember. You're loved, appreciated and you matter! 
> 
> Also leave kudos or a comment those really go a long way
> 
> Oh yeah The ring Johnny gave Yuta is a "Riviera Pave Ruby and Diamond Ring" in 14k White Gold. (1.5mm) It costs €860.10


End file.
